FAQ #3

When Should I Talk to My Kids about Drugs?

A. What age is appropriate?
B. What is the best time to have a discussion with my child?
C. Is there an environment that is best for this type of discussion?

A. What age is appropriate? (Back to top)

Preschoolers

At this early age, they are eager to know and memorize rules, they want to know the rules, and they want your opinion on what's "bad" and what's "good." Although they are old enough to understand that smoking is bad for them, they are not ready to take in complex facts about alcohol, tobacco, and other drugs.

Kindergarten through 3rd Grade

Now is the time to begin to explain what alcohol, tobacco, and drugs are, that some people use them even though they are harmful, and the consequences of using them.

Grades Four through Six (ages 9-11 years old)

By the time children leave elementary school, they should know:

Grades Seven through Nine (12-14 years old)

Adolescence is often a confusing and stressful time, characterized by mood changes and deep insecurity, as teens struggle to figure out whom they are and how to fit in, while establishing their own identities. Parents may not realize that their young teens feel surrounded by drug use. Nearly 9 out of 10 teens agree "it seems like marijuana is everywhere these days." Teens are twice as likely to be using marijuana as parents believe they are, and teens are getting high in the places that parents think are safe havens, such as around school, at home, and at friend's houses.

Parents profoundly shape the choices their children make about drugs.

Teens need to know the immediate, distasteful consequences of tobacco and marijuana use--for example, that smoking causes bad breath and stained teeth and makes clothes and hair smell. As a parent you should discuss drugs' long-term effects:

Grades Ten through Twelve (ages 15-17 years old)

To resist peer pressure, teens need more than a general message not to use drugs. They need to hear from a parent that anyone can become a chronic user or an addict and that even non-addicted use can have serious permanent consequences.

Most high school students are future-oriented so they are more likely to listen to discussions of how drugs can ruin chances of getting into a good college or being hired for a job.

http://www.yesican.gov/drugfree/childknow.html

B. What is the best time to have a discussion with my child? (Back to top)

Although such topics as the use of tobacco, alcohol and drugs are emotionally charged, they are a natural and necessary part of communicating process you have with your child. Clearly, the best time for such a conversation about drugs is when your child brings up the topic. As hard as this may be to believe, some children actually do this. For most parents, however, it's not this easy and it may become your responsibility to raise the subject. You'll want to pick a time and a place that make it possible for you and your child to be comfortable and undisturbed.

            http://www.acde.org/parent/Tips.htm

C. Is there an environment that is best for this type of discussion? (Back to top)

In the enclosed, tight confines of a car, children can't hide. Neither can parents. Getting stuck in traffic, some parents say, means family bonding time. "It's kind of enforced intimacy," said Leah Sturgis, of Springfield, who looks forward to piling into her Ford Explorer with her three children. "Kids are pushed in so many different directions it's hard to get them to focus on the family. In the car, there's not much to focus on besides you."

Motorists may be spending more time stuck on the road, but some busy parents say slogging their way through traffic has become the best way to keep in touch with their children. Gone are the times of discussing their days over the dinner table, some parents say. If they want to catch up with their children, they usually do it behind the wheel. In fact, some parents and family psychologists say driving time has become so treasured that they're troubled by the trend toward putting VCRs, video games and other entertainment in vehicles to distract youngsters. After all, it's the lack of distractions -- no squawking TV, no ringing phone, no computer -- that makes the minivan a haven from hectic lives rather than just a shuttle.

"It's like quiet time," said Indiana University professor Robert Billingham, who discusses the importance of car time in his family studies classes. "You're in a confined space. No one can jump up and into the other room to answer the phone or watch TV. It's a time when the parents and children are physically together. Unfortunately for a lot of families, it's becoming the only time that they are actually together." In families with several children, parents say ferrying a child to Boy Scouts or ballet lessons provides rare one-on-one time. Billboards and DJ banter on the car radio create ways to bring up uncomfortable topics, such as drugs or sex, in a casual way. Some parents say that driving the carpool for preteens and teenagers gives them a rare chance to be within earshot of their children's world.

Sturgis said she misses driving in a carpool to her daughter's crew practices, as she did two years ago. "It was a good chance to see how she interacted with her friends," Sturgis said. "When she'd complain about her friends, I knew what she was talking about. You could hear how they talked to each other -- whom they excluded, whom they didn't." Her 16-year-old daughter, Mileva, said she likes being in the car with her mother because it's easier to get her attention there. They usually end up talking, Mileva said, if only because they're together in a smaller space. "There are a lot of distractions at home," said Mileva, who starts her junior year at West Springfield High School tomorrow. "My brothers might be fighting, or someone will call, or I have to do homework. In the car, I'll talk with my mom."

Nationwide, the number of car trips people make for family related or personal business is growing faster than driving for any other reason, including commuting to work, said Alan E. Pisarski, a travel behavior analyst and author of "Commuting in America." Federal surveys found that family-related driving trips doubled from 1977 to 1995, Pisarski said. One-third of all miles traveled by the typical adult or child involve driving to and from school, chauffeuring to children's activities or appointments, and running errands, when children often must tag along, he said.

There's little, if any, research to prove whether car time helps families stay close. But psychologists and parenting experts say their instincts tell them that the car isn't the ideal place for bonding. The inability to maintain eye contact can make conversations less intimate, they say, and parents may end up using it as a substitute for interacting more at home. Moreover, haggling with a teenage daughter about her undesirable boyfriend while driving is probably just as distracting and potentially dangerous as talking on a cell phone. Indeed, some parents say they're far too harried trying to navigate traffic and referee fights in the back seat to bond in the car.

Beth Weedon, of Bristow, laughed when asked whether she considers driving with her three boys, ages 2, 7 and 10, quality time. "I'm just trying to keep them from killing each other and distracting me from driving," Weedon said. As a stay-at-home mother, Weedon said, she spends more time with them at home than in her Chrysler Concorde. "That's not what I'd set aside for quality time," she said.

But family therapists, while agreeing that bonding in the car isn't ideal, say busy families should take advantage of whatever time they find together, even if it's a few minutes on the drive to school. Lynette Gaskins, of Alexandria, calls her Dodge Caravan a "lifesaver for quality time" with her daughters, Ayanna, 6, and Brianna, 9, and 4-year-old son, Elisha. Gaskins, a nurse at an assisted-living facility, said she works six days a week, up to 16 hours a day, while her husband, Michael Turnage, works long hours running a private car company. She said they grab bonding time whenever and wherever they can. "If you get a weekday off, that's time for errands, and you drag the kids along with you," Gaskins said. "That's where you talk -- in the car." Gaskins said she picks up an extra two to three hours per day with her children by dropping them off and picking them up at the baby-sitter's, going to the grocery store and chauffeuring them to basketball practice, dance classes and karate lessons. She said she also finds her minivan an easy place to talk about difficult topics. Driving past a billboard advertising cigarettes, for example, helps her start conversations about the dangers of smoking. "It's easier in the car," Gaskins said. "They don't have time to think, 'Oh, gosh, Mom is talking to us about drugs' or 'Mom is talking to us about sex.' "

Indeed, driving time is one of those "teachable moments" between parents and children, said Phillippe Cunningham, a psychologist and professor at the Medical University of South Carolina. Cunningham, who serves on a panel to advise the federally funded National Youth Anti-Drug Media Campaign, said the anti-drug message now focuses on keeping parents and children talking. A television ad for the campaign shows a mother and son riding along in silence for about 20 seconds before the announcer says, "Another missed opportunity to talk with your child about marijuana." The car, Cunningham said, "is one of those places where parents have really concentrated time. You're not multitasking; you're just going somewhere. You can take advantage of that moment."

http://www.theantidrug.com/news/news_cartime.html