What Should I Do After Talking to My Kids?
A. How can I help my child prepare for situations where they encounter drugs?
B. What do I do/say if I think they are using drugs, but they won't talk to me?
C. What can I do to help keep my children safe and off drugs?
D. How do I keep the lines of communication open for the future?
A. How can I help my child prepare for situations where they encounter drugs? (Back to top)
No matter where children grow up or who their friends are, nearly all of them are confronted at some time or another by friends with bad ideas - ways of testing limits, getting in trouble, and doing things they'll regret later. It's not so hard saying "No thanks, I have to go now" to a stranger. But it's a lot tougher when a child's friend - especially one whose approval means a lot to him - tries to get him to do something he knows is wrong.
Even "good kids" occasionally pester their friends into skipping a class or lying about why they were out together so late. But if friends or acquaintances entice your children to try tobacco, alcohol, or drugs, the consequences can be more serious. The best way to prepare children to succeed in these encounters is to "role play" - practice similar scenarios in advance. With the right words at the tip of their tongue, children can assert their independence while making it clear that they're rejecting their friends' choices and not the friends themselves.
You need to have these practice sessions before your child finds herself in any new situation. If your child hasn't asked you what she should do in such situations, find the time to bring it up yourself. Stress that you're working together on a skill that comes in handy whenever someone doesn't want to take "no" for an answer.
You might, for instance, take the role of a boy she likes and try to persuade her to share a six-pack of beer with you. What can she say? "You're such a jerk!" is alienating. "I don't know..." leaves the door open and sounds like she could be coaxed. The middle ground, in which she's firm but friendly, works best. Help her rehearse key phrases that give reasons for why she simply won't have a beer:
"My parents would kill me if they found out, and they always find out!"
"No, I'm not into that stuff."
"I tried it once, and I hate the taste."
"My parents trust me to not drink, and I don't want to break that trust."
Or she could state the consequences of drinking:
"I tried it once and ended up vomiting on everything!"
"Drinking would make me feel out of control, and I hate that."
She'll need to be prepared for protests. She can meet them with the "broken record" technique, in which she repeats her reason for not drinking over and over until attempts at persuading her cease. Or she can make it clear that the discussion about beer is over by changing the subject: "Did you watch the basketball game last night?" or "Hey, do you know if that concert's sold out?" If all else fails, she should leave the scene, saying, "I've got to go."
B. What do I do/say if I think they are using drugs, but they won't talk to me? (Back to top)
The best place to start is at school - talk with your child's teachers, guidance counselor, school nurse, or coach. Many schools now have prevention specialists on the counseling staff who can help you if you think your child is using drugs.
Communicating with your child at this time is very important. If he is reluctant to talk, enlist the aid of his guidance counselor, doctor, or a local drug treatment referral and assessment center.
Also explore what could be going on in your child's emotional or social life that might prompt drug use. Is there anything going on at home or school that could be responsible for his shift in behavior?
Even when the signs are obvious, parents sometimes have difficulty admitting that their child could have a problem. Anger, guilt, and a sense of failure as a parent are common reactions. If your child is using drugs, it is important to avoid blaming yourself for the problem and to get whatever help is needed as soon as possible. Be consistent in enforcing whatever punishment your family has chosen for this type of rule violation, such as revoking driving privileges. Do not relent because your child promises never to do it again.
Many young people lie about their drug use. If the evidence suggests that your child is not being truthful, you may wish to have your child evaluated by a health professional, such as an adolescent medicine specialist, experienced in diagnosing children with drug-related problems.
Depending upon the severity of your child's drug use, you will probably need help to intervene. Call your doctor, local hospital, state or local substance abuse agencies, or county mental health society for a referral to a drug treatment program in your area. Your school district should have a substance abuse counselor who can refer you to treatment programs. Parents whose children have been through treatment programs can also provide information and support to help you deal with your feelings.
http://kidshealth.org/parent/emotions/behavior/using_drugs_p3.html
C. What can I do to help keep my children safe and off drugs? (Back to top)
Whether it's been in your own living room or on a TV sitcom, you've seen and heard the scenario before:
Father: Where are you going?
Teen daughter: Out.
Father: Who are you going with?
Teen daughter: [raises her tone] I'm just going out with everybody. I'll be home later.
Door slams. Scene ends.
Time for a rewind on that one. Although this dad might not have known it, he was attempting to monitor his daughter-and he shouldn't have let the scene end with the door slam. "Parents need to know what their kids are doing," says Anthony Biglan, Ph.D., a senior scientist at the Oregon Research Institute. "They can discourage behaviors that lead to drug use." Kids who are not regularly monitored by their parents are four times more likely to use drugs.
What is Monitoring?
We won't mince words here: Although monitoring is one of the best ways to keep your kids off drugs, it isn't always easy. "If a child readily talks about what's going on, then monitoring happens naturally during the course of events," says Biglan. "If it doesn't happen naturally, parents need to make some rules to facilitate monitoring." That means:
- Know where your child or teen is at all times. Make sure he/she knows you're asking out of love, not because of a lack of trust.
- Personally know all of your teen's friends. Having your teen point out their friends from down the block just doesn't cut it. Know their faces and their voices. Interact with them whenever possible--without actually forcing them to play scrabble with you.
- Find out your kid's plan for the next day. Looking for something to discuss during dinner? This is a great one. "So what are you up to tomorrow?" Easy. Right?
- Limit the time your child spends without adult supervision. The after-school hours of 4 to 6 are the most dangerous time for tweens or teens to be on their own. The potential for peer pressure or boredom leading to an after-school drug use habit are huge. If you or another adult you trust can't be home for your teen, find out about after-school programs they can get involved with.
According to Biglan, monitoring becomes critically important when kids reach middle school. Because kids go from class to class during middle school or junior high, they don't develop the close relationships they had during their earlier school years. Also, kids at this age are extremely sensitive to the beliefs of their classmates so peer pressure becomes a major contributing factor in their behaviors. Of course, monitoring doesn't mean you have to go through your child's dresser drawers. "Kids need an increasing amount of privacy as they get older and that's ok," says Biglan. But the balance between monitoring and privacy can shift if signs of drug use show up. Remember, says Biglan, "when it's time to intervene, kids' privacy issues take a backseat."
The Thanks You May Or May Not Get
You might have seen some of the new Partnership for a Drug-Free America advertisements running on TV lately: They're a collage of kids discussing how their parents butt into their lives and made things, at times, miserable but the end message from their kids to their parents is "thanks." Although you might not hear that word out of your teen's mouth for a long time, keep it in your head as you question your teen.
Of course they're going to rebel against your questions they're at an age where they're trying to assert their independence and figure out who they are as a person, not as your child. You can work with your teen to help him or her find that out without giving up the monitoring control you really need. In fact, by really understanding what he or she is up to, you might even see an opening to learn more about the person your teen wants to become.
For more information about monitoring, please call 1-800-788-2800.
D. How do I keep the lines of communication open for the future? (Back to top)
Although virtually all parents in America (98 percent) say they've talked with their children about drugs, only 27 percent of teens (roughly one in four) say they're learning a lot at home about the risks of drugs, according to a new national study by the Partnership for a Drug-Free America (PDFA).
There aren't enough hours in the day. Sometimes it's frustrating how few chances there are to have conversations about drugs with our children. In our busy culture, with families juggling the multiple demands of work, school, after-school activities, and religious and social commitments, it can be a challenge for parents and children to be in the same place at the same time.
Yet the better you communicate, the more at ease your child will feel about discussing drugs and other sensitive issues with you.
Here are some tips:
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Be absolutely clear with your kids that you don't want them using drugs. Ever. Anywhere. Don't leave room for interpretation. And talk often about the dangers and results of drug and alcohol abuse. Once or twice a year won't do it.
- Be a better listener. Ask questions - and encourage them. Paraphrase what your child says to you. Ask for their input about family decisions. Showing your willingness to listen will make your child feel more comfortable about opening up to you.
- Give honest answers. Don't make up what you don't know; offer to find out. If asked whether you've ever taken drugs, let them know what's important: that you don't want them using drugs.
- Use TV reports, anti-drug commercials, or school discussions about drugs to help you introduce the subject in a natural, unforced way.
- Don't react in a way that will cut off further discussion. If your child makes statements that challenge or shock you, turn them into a calm discussion of why your child thinks people use drugs, or whether the effect is worth the risk.
- Role play with your child and practice ways to refuse drugs in different situations. Acknowledge how tough these moments can be.