How am I supposed to “acknowledge” their feelings?
We tend to greatly underestimate the importance of simply acknowledging others’ feelings. Do you ever hear yourself deny the feelings of your children? (“Oh, you’re being silly, there’s no monster in the closet!” “There’s no reason to hate your baby brother, he’s just a baby…what did he ever do to you?” “You just need to suck it up and learn to deal with it…life just isn’t fair sometimes!”)
Acknowledging the feelings of another person is a powerful communication tool. It sends the message that you hear their point of view and you understand what they might be going through. At times, this alone can de-escalate a conflict situation.
We want to send the strong message to our children that any and all feelings are OK. It is how we act on them that is important.
There are several ways you can acknowledge someone’s feelings. It takes some practice, too. Try using these in day-to-day interactions with others until you get good at using them. You might be surprised at the reactions you will see in others. Situations that might have escalated to the point of conflict may resolve on their own with an empathetic statement or two.
- One way to do this is to simply identify the feeling. For instance, you might say, “You sound angry!” or “That must have hurt your feelings.”
- You can also state it as a wish. For example: “You wish your brother would just leave your things alone?” or “I bet you sometimes wish your sister was never born.” (It’s OK to be honest.)
- You might try to restate or paraphrase what you hear. This helps to check your own understanding, as well as communicating that you care about their point of view. Try something like: “So I heard you say that your sister took something special to you, and it made you feel angry.” or “I think you’re saying that you felt jealous when Dad took your brother to the game without asking if you’d want to go.”
- Young children may have difficulty expressing feelings. There are many picture books for young children with faces and feelings words that can assist in communicating feelings with your preschooler. You might also try using symbolic or creative activities to help: “Let’s draw pictures that show your feelings. You can write them on this marker board to show the rest of us what kind of day you’re having so we’ll know not to bother you when you’re angry.”
Once you have acknowledged the feelings, follow up by showing children how to handle feelings appropriately. Frequently parents use phrases such as “Use your words, not your fists” to remind children of the rules.
Here are some suggestions for handling strong feelings – can you think of more?
- Yell into or punch a pillow
- Go outside and get some exercise (run if off, ride a bike)
- Take a time out in a quiet spot – some alone time
- Listen to loud (or soft) music
- Write in a journal
- Write a letter to someone to tell them how upset you are – then tear it up
- Count to 10 before saying or doing anything
Remember, we want to consistently communicate that it is never OK to be violent. Families should have rules about this that are clear and consistently re-enforced.
“It is NOT OK to hit.”
“In our house we don’t use our hands to hurt others when we’re angry.”
“Use your words, not your fists.”