Why is it important not to make comparisons between the kids?
- We shouldn’t make positive OR negative comparisons between our kids!
- Some suggestions for communicating about our children’s behavior
- A note about labels
We shouldn’t make positive OR negative comparisons between our kids! (Back to top)
Kids want the approval of their parents. When we make comparisons between them we are giving the message that we approve of (or value) one child more than the other. This can be harmful to both the children. It lets one child know he/she is not good enough, and it puts undue pressure on the other one to continue performing in order to get our love and/or acceptance. Think about it: Comparisons ENCOURAGE competition – which leads to feelings of jealousy – which, in turn, can lead to rivalry between siblings.
By making comparisons, we may be causingour children to bicker!!
It’s not even OK to say, “You’re even better than your sister at this.” It will come back to haunt you!
Some suggestions for communicating about our children’s behavior: (Back to top)
Leave the sibling out of it altogether. For example, there is no need to say she is better or worse than someone else. Simply say, “You are so good at coloring inside the lines!” or “I’m so proud of the way you keep your things organized!”
Simply describe:
What you see
What you feel
What needs to be done
For example: “I see your room is still a mess. I get frustrated when the house looks messy because I work so hard to keep it nice for when company comes over. You need to clean it up before we go to the park on Saturday.” (There’s no need to involve the sibling in the discussion at all.)
As parents, it is imperative that we strive to communicate
UNCONDITIONAL LOVE to our children.
A note about labels: (Back to top)
Kids (most people, in fact) tend to live up to what we believe of them. In Parenting With Love and Logic (1990), Cline and Fay argue that kids live up to what they think we think of them – not what we actually think of them. SO - be careful what your words are communicating!! We want to avoid labels and name-calling within the family. Kids tend to act out the roles they are assigned by their parents.
When talking to your family, try to remember:
Avoid negative predictions - “You always” or “You never”
Avoid labels - “You’re mean” or “You’re shy”
No Victims – “You poor baby, your brother is always so mean to you!”
No Bullies – “Why do you always have to be so mean to your sister!”
Try to attend to the child who is hurt – without attacking the attacker.
We should think of them as “children with problems” - NOT “problem children” – we should always put the person ahead of the problem!