What do I do when they say, “But that’s not FAIR!”?
Most experts agree that parents need to simply give up that idea that things always need to be EQUAL for everyone. In real life – in our jobs and communities – are things always EQUAL? Should they be?
We do not want our children to measure everything in life in terms of “fair” or “equal” amounts – it just doesn’t work that way!
Think about it: If everyone always got the same things – everyone was treated the same way regardless of need – it would not be fair. If you have a 2 year old and a 15 year old – would you allow them both to stay out until 9pm on a Saturday night with their friends? Just to be fair? If one child is nearsighted – do you buy glasses for the whole family? Just to be fair? If one child is sick – do you give everyone the medicine? Just to be fair?
In Siblings Without Rivalry (1998), Faber and Mazlish give some general tips:
- FAIR is not the same as EQUAL – Have a discussion about “fair vs. equal” in a family meeting. This is an important concept in all walks of life. Remember – some people need things that others do not need. Also discuss the difference between “needs” and “wants.”
- Give THINGS according to NEED – If someone needs glasses in order to see, then it is not fair for them if we don’t give them glasses! If one child NEEDS an item for school, that does not mean you have to buy something for everyone.
- Give TIME according to NEED – maybe one child has a big project, or their birthday is coming up, or they are having a crisis – they get more time. It all evens out in the long run!
- Remember each child is UNIQUE – You do not have to play along when a child asks, “Who do you love the best?” Say, “I love you because you are YOU. There is no one in the world like you – you are so special to me!” Also – you might try sending a positive note to each child – individualize it to their strengths.