What do I do when they FIGHT?
Fighting can be one of the most difficult problems a parent has to deal with. Not only does it disrupt family routines, it causes stress and can even get dangerous at times. Plus, the bickering can be just plain ANNOYING!
Children need to be given tools to learn to deal with their conflicts and manage them in a way that is beneficial to all involved. One key idea here is that parents should not take sides (even though it is tempting). Children should be encouraged to work it out between themselves using the problem-solving process. This process will need to be taught to them, and modeled in family meetings but if this is done, they will begin to use it!
Here are steps that can be used to address a wide variety of problems. Some families choose to have regular family meetings where they use this process together. It is suggested that you begin using the process with simpler problems (smaller disagreements about what to make for dinner or chores). Then, when the family is successful with the process, it can be used for more difficult (more emotionally charged) problems.
- Call a meeting.
- Review ground rules: 1) One person at a time talks, 2) Someone who is not involved in the disagreement is the “moderator,” 3) Everyone agrees to reach a solution together.
- Everyone is allowed to state their feelings and concerns (each in turn) without interruption. Summarize by trying to answer this question together WHAT’S THE PROBLEM?
- Allow open discussion about WHY IT’S HAPPENING.
- Brainstorm solutions WHAT CAN WE DO? During brainstorming, don’t criticize anyone’s idea! Write down all the possibilities
- Choose the best plan and agree to try it for a specific period of time.
- DID IT WORK? Set a date and time to come back and talk about whether it worked!
It sounds too good to be true, but there are some simple steps that can be taken to address fighting between siblings in a positive way. In Siblings Without Rivalry (1998), Faber & Mazlish give step by step instructions for what to do when your kids start fighting. Some pointers are summarized below; however, if your children fight frequently or the fights get very violent, you may need to seek additional assistance from a professional counselor.
Bickering It is OK to ignore simple bickering. Remember, it is not your problem to solve it’s your children’s problem. It is OK not to interfere and to let them try to solve their own problems. You might want to find a quiet place to go or ask them to bicker outside or in their rooms!
Fighting Faber and Mazlish (1998) suggest that we should follow these steps:
- Acknowledge their anger “Wow, you two sound very angry. What’s the problem?” Restate points of view “So, you think Susan should let you play with her doll because she wasn’t using it any more. And, Susan feels that the doll is very special to her and is afraid you’ll break it.” Describe the problem “This sounds difficult. There’s only one doll.” Express confidence they will find a solution “I’m sure you guys can figure out a solution that is fair for both of you.” LEAVE!
There are some times, however, when we must intervene: If you ever feel a situation is dangerous (if someone is hurting or about to hurt someone else) it needs to be stopped immediately. Physically separate the children for a cool-off period. Try not to take sides, and save the problem-solving session for later!