FAQ #3

A. What Parents Can Do About Violence
B. Steps Parents Can Take to Stop School Violence
C. Questions Parents Can Ask Their Children’s Schools
D. Talking With Kids About Violence

A. What Parents Can Do About Violence (Back to Top)

• Research shows that despite the extensive and horrifying media coverage and continued public concern over recent school shootings in Colorado, Oregon, Arkansas, Kentucky, and elsewhere, students are safer in school than outside it. However, because we have traditionally assumed that children are protected in a school environment, parents may find the task of talking to their children about recent shootings difficult, and may find themselves baffled at what they, as parents, can do to prevent such incidents in the future.
  Parents should respond to their child's questions with age-appropriate answers.
  Children five and younger need to be sheltered from violent media images, according to Dr. Harold Koplewicz, child psychiatrist and director of the New York University Child Study Center. Very young children, he warns, "should not be watching TV news. You should really censor all of this material." According to Koplewicz, young children have difficulty separating a shooting on television from the events of their daily life and may be upset by graphic images. If preschoolers are exposed to images of graphic violence, Dr. Earl A. Grollman suggests in his book, Explaining Death to Children, parents should provide them with brief and simple explanations using concrete and familiar examples. Parents should avoid using euphemisms. According to Grollman, the concept of death may be more comprehensible to very young children when explained in terms of what is absent: When people die they do not eat, talk, or cry. Young children may have difficulty understanding that death is not temporary. In addition, according to the Hospice Center of New York, young children will be reassured by nonverbal communications such as demonstrations of physical affection and adherence to a normal routine.
• Children ages six to 12 should watch the news with their parents, who can use this shared time as an opportunity to talk about their children's reactions and feelings. Parents can reassure children that school shootings rarely happen, and that their school is safe. Parents can also take this opportunity to discuss the importance of their children making friends with all other children, rather than ostracizing, teasing, or bullying unpopular ones. Parents can stress how important it is for children to talk to adults about signs of anger or unhappiness they may observe in their classmates. Also, parents can explain to their child that they will take an active role in continuing to improve safety conditions in the child's school by going to PTA meetings and talking to the principal.
• Parents of high school students (as well as older elementary and middle-school students) should discuss with them the consequences of using violence to resolve conflict. High school students should be encouraged to take an active role in their own school by joining with other students to work against violence. They should be encouraged to develop such activities as peer-based conflict resolution and mediation programs, Student Council, Students Against Violence Everywhere (SAVE), Students Against Drinking and Driving (SADD), teen courts and mentoring programs. Parents should invite their high school children to attend PTA meetings to assess safety needs in their school. High school students can also keep their schools safe by helping to keep guns out of the school. High school students, like younger students, should understand the importance of avoiding cliques, which can alienate unpopular students, as well as the importance of helping adults identify students who are a potential risk.

The tragic nature of school violence makes such incidents meaningful opportunities for dialogue with school-age children about the consequences of violence.

• Listen to Your Child About Bullying

If your children are being bullied, it is vital to listen to what they tell you. Parents should make it clear that bullying is not the victim's fault, and that children do not have to face bullying on their own. Ask how they have been dealing with bullies, and talk about other ways to deal with them.
Children should first try ignoring the bully, telling the bully to stop, and walking away. Encourage your children to always tell an adult they trust about the bully. Explain that they are not telling tales, they are protecting themselves and may actually be helping the bully. The key to promoting positive interactions among young children is teaching them to assert themselves effectively.

  B. Steps Parents Can Take to Stop School Violence (Back to Top)

The National Crime Prevention Council (NCPC) lists 12 actions parents can take to begin to address the problem of violence in our schools. (Find the NCPC on the Web at http://www.ncpc.org) The NCPC counsels that this list is only a beginning:

• Remove firearms from your home, or at least ensure that they are locked, well-secured, and stored separately from ammunition.
• Take an active role in your children's schools.
• Act as role models. Settle your own conflicts peaceably and manage anger without violence.
• Listen to and talk with your children regularly.
• Set clear limits on behaviors in advance. Discuss punishments and rewards in advance, too.
• Communicate clearly that you don't tolerate violent behavior.
• Help your children learn how to find solutions to problems.
• Discourage name-calling and teasing.
• Insist on knowing your children's friends, whereabouts, and activities.
• Work with other parents to develop standards for school-related events and activities, and require adult supervision.
• Make it clear to your children that you support school policies that help create a safe-school environment.
• Join with other parents through school, neighborhood, civic, or religious organizations, or through youth activity groups.
• Talk to each other about concerns regarding youth and violence in your community.

C. Questions Parents Can Ask Their Children’s Schools (Back to Top)

The most important thing that parents can do is to maintain an active involvement in their children's education. Beyond that, U.S. Secretary of Education Richard Riley suggests that parents ask questions to assess the safety of schools in their community. Based on Riley's comments in the Autumn 1998 issue of Newsline, a publication of Mothers Against Violence, questions parents might ask include:

• Are all students connected to others in their school community? Every young person needs a connection to at least one adult-a teacher, counselor, religious/spiritual representative, or mentor-in addition to his or her parents. Riley also advises that parents become familiar with the 1998 report, Early Warning, Timely Response (http://www.ed.gov/offices/OSERS/OSEP/earlywrn.html) to help them identify early warning signs of violence, such as alienation from peers, difficulty controlling anger, and direct or indirect threats against self and others.
• Are our schools in good condition, and do they have the resources they need? Many schools are overcrowded and in need of major repair. Make an inventory of your school's needs, and help to organize community resources in order to meet those needs.
• Do parents and family members have opportunities to get involved? All parents should try to be involved in their children's learning for at least 30 minutes a day, and employers should adopt family-friendly policies that give parents the time to get involved.
• Are academic and behavioral standards rigorous? Students and schools rise to the expectations and standards set for them. Schools should raise standards for performance to meet or exceed national or even international excellence, and must set high communicable standards for behavior that is respectful of others, gives evidence of appreciation for diversity, and relies on peaceful dispute resolution.
• Will there be a good teacher in every classroom? To meet the needs of increasing student enrollment, make it a community goal to encourage bright young people or those changing professions in mid-career to plan for careers in teaching. And make sure that teachers have fully met state licensing standards.
• Are there enough quality after-school care programs? The highest rates of juvenile crime occur between 2 p.m. and 7 p.m. Ensure that your community's schools are kept open in the afternoons and during the summer to meet the needs of the children of millions of working parents.
• Are there opportunities for students to develop skills for the nonviolent resolution of conflict? In the words of President Clinton, learning how to resolve disputes "with words, not weapons," should be part of every school. Peer mediation programs, conflict resolution training, and diversity awareness training, as well as academic instruction based on cooperative learning and academic controversy methods offer students skills that will lead to safer and more effective problem solving.

D. Talking With Kids About Violence (Back to Top)
www.talkingwithkids.org/violence.html
Raising a child is one of the most gratifying jobs you'll ever have and one of the toughest. Try as you might to be the best parent you can, our complex world challenges you every day with disturbing issues that are difficult for children to understand and for parents to explain. But explain we must, or we miss a critical opportunity. Research shows that children, especially those between the ages of 8 and 12, want their parents to talk with them about today's toughest issues, including violence. Even when they reach adolescence, they want to have a caring adult in their lives to talk about these issues. In fact, those who have early conversations are more likely to continue turning to their parents as they become teens.
Violence in today's world in the media, in our neighborhoods and even in our schools can make our children feel frightened, unsafe and insecure. Kids are hearing about and often must cope with tough issues such as violence at increasingly earlier ages, often before they are ready to understand all the aspects of complicated situations. Yet, there is hope. Parents and other caring adults have a unique opportunity to talk with their children about these issues first, before everyone else does.
Even in such complex times, parents have the ability to raise healthy, confident, secure children who know how to resolve conflicts peacefully and make smart decisions to protect themselves. Parents should talk with their children to help them learn correct information and to impart the values they want to instill. Parents should also be a consistent, reliable, knowledgeable source of information. Here are some tips on getting started.

· Develop open communication
It is important that you talk with your kids openly and honestly. Use encouragement, support and positive reinforcement so your kids know that they can ask any question-on any topic-freely and without fear of consequence. Provide straightforward answers; otherwise, your child may make up her own explanations that can he more frightening than any honest response you could offer. If you don't know the answer, admit it-then find the correct information and explore it together. Use everyday opportunities to talk as occasions for discussion. Some of the best talks you'll have with your child will take place when you least expect them. And remember that it often takes more than a single talk for children to grasp all they need to know. So talk, talk and talk again.

· Encourage them to talk it out.
Children feel better when they talk about their feelings. It lifts the burden of having to face their fears alone and offers an emotional release. If you sense that a violent event (whether real or fictional) has upset your youngster, you might say something like, "That TV program we saw seemed pretty scary to me. What did you think about it?" and see where the conversation leads. If your child appears constantly depressed, angry or feels persecuted, it is especially important to reassure him that you love him and encourage him to talk about his concerns. And if he has been violent or a victim of violence, it is critical to give him a safe place to express his feelings.

· Monitor the Media
Over the years, many experts have concluded that viewing a lot of violence in the media can be risky for children. Studies have shown that watching too much violence-whether on TV, in the movies, or in video games-can increase the chance that children will be desensitized to violence, or even act more aggressively themselves. Pay special attention to the kinds of media your children play with or watch. Parental advisories for music, movies, TV, video and computer games can help you choose age-appropriate media for your children. Try watching TV or playing video games with your children and talk with them about the things you see together. Encourage your children to think about what they are watching, listening to or playing-how would they handle situations differently? Let them know why violent movies or games disturb you. For example, you might tell your nine-year-old, "Violence just isn't funny to me. In real life people who get shot have families and children, and it's sad when something bad happens to them." Watching the news and other media with your child enables you to discuss current events like war and other conflicts, and can provide an opportunity to reinforce the consequences of violence.

· Parents and other caring adults can help tone down the effects of these violent messages. Here's how:

• Actively supervise your child's exposure to all forms of media violence.
• Limit TV viewing to those programs you feel are appropriate.
• Be selective about which movies your child sees and which video and computer game he plays.
• Establish rules about the Internet by going on-line together to choose sites that are appropriate and fun for your child.
• Consider using monitoring tools for TV and the Internet, like the v-chip, a new technology that allows parents to block TV programs they consider inappropriate.
• Take advantage of the ratings system that provides parents with information about the content of a TV program or movie.

· Acknowledge your children's fears and reassure them of their safety
Children who experience or witness violence, as well as those who have only seen violent acts on TV or in the movies, often become anxious and fearful. That's why it's important to reassure a child that their personal world can remain safe. Try saying something like this to your 7 or 8-year-old: "I know that you are afraid. I will do my very best to make sure you are safe." The recent school tragedies in Colorado and in Georgia have shown that violence can not only frighten children but can make them feel guilty for not preventing it. By providing consistent support and an accepting environment, you can help reduce children's anxieties and fears.

· Take a stand
Parents need to be clear and consistent about the values they want to instill. Don't cave in to your children's assertion that "everybody else does it (or has seen it)" when it comes to allowing them to play what you view as an excessively violent game or to watch an inappropriate movie. You have a right and responsibility to say, "I don't like the message that game sends. I know that you play that game at your friend's house, but I don't want it played in our house."

· Control your own behavior
When it comes to learning how to behave, children often follow their parents' lead, which is why it is important to examine how you approach conflict. Do you use violence to settle arguments? When you're angry, do you yell or use physical force? If you want your child to avoid violence, model the right behavior for her.

· Set limits regarding children's actions towards others
Let your child know that teasing can become bullying and roughhousing can get out of control. If you see your child strike another, impose a "time out" in order for him to calm down, then ask him to explain why he hit the child. Tell him firmly that hitting is not allowed and help him figure out a peaceful way to settle the problem.

· Hold family meetings
Regularly scheduled family meetings can provide children-and us- with an acceptable place to talk about complaints and share opinions. Just be sure that everyone gets a chance to speak. Use these meetings to demonstrate effective problem-solving and negotiation skills. Keep the meetings lively, but well controlled, so children learn that conflicts can be settled creatively and without violence.

· Convey strict rules about weapons
Teach your child that real guns and knives are very dangerous and that they can hurt and kill people. You might say, "I know in the cartoons you watch and the video and computer games you play, the characters are always shooting each other. They never get hurt; they just pop up again later like nothing ever happened. But in real life, someone who gets shot will be seriously hurt; sometimes they even die."

· Talk about gangs and cliques
Gangs and cliques are often a result of young people looking for support and belonging. However, they can become dangerous when acceptance depends upon negative or antisocial behavior. If you believe your child might be exposed or attracted to a gang, talk about it together. Look for an opportunity-say you see an ad for a movie that makes gang life seem glamorous-and say, "You know, sometimes it seems like joining a gang might be cool. But it's not. Kids in gangs get hurt. Some even get killed because they try to solve their problems through violence. Really smart kids choose friends who are fun to be with and won't put them in any danger." Many communities have programs that help prevent gang violence.

· Talk with other parents
Help give your kids a consistent anti-violence message by speaking with the parents of your kids' friends about what your children can and cannot view or play in your homes. Ask other parents if there's a gun in their home. If there is, talk with them to make sure they've taken the necessary safety measures. Having this kind of conversation may seem uncomfortable, but keep in mind that nearly 40 percent of accidental handgun shootings of children under 16 occur in the homes of friends and relatives.

· Pay particular attention to boys
Most boys love action. But action need not become violence. Parents must distinguish between the two and help their boys do so as well. Allow them safe and healthy outlets for their natural energy. And recognize that talking-especially about violence-is different for boys than for girls. Boys may feel ashamed to express their real feelings about violence. Instead of sitting down for a " talk," initiate the topic while the two of you are engaged in an activity he enjoys. Provide privacy for these conversations. And be ready to listen when he's ready to talk, even if the timing isn't ideal. (Pollack, Real Boys, 1998.)

· Ask the schools to get involved
Find out about your school's violence prevention efforts. Encourage the teaching of conflict-resolution skills and "peer mediation" programs (where children counsel other children). Suggest training teachers in de-escalating and preventing violence.

· Get additional support and information
We hope you have found this information helpful. If you still want more information, contact any of these organizations listed or go to the library or bookstore and check out these books for parents. There are lots of people you can talk with like doctors, teachers, members of the clergy or other parents.

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